


The Bridge of (Khazad)'Doom

by Ariana Deralte (ArianaDeralte), ArianaDeralte



Category: Lord of the Rings - Fandom, Monty Python's Flying Circus
Genre: Crossover, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-09
Updated: 2009-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-04 07:44:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianaDeralte/pseuds/Ariana%20Deralte, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianaDeralte/pseuds/ArianaDeralte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What is your name?" "What is your quest?" "What is the velocity of a speeding Nazgul?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bridge of (Khazad)'Doom

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Monty Python doesn't belong to me, neither does Lord of the Rings, or Batman for that matter but he's not in this story anyway.

Wizened Old Man: …must answer me these questions three. (Aragorn steps up.)

What is your name?

Aragorn: Aragorn son of Arathorn. Isildur's Heir. Also known as Strider, Dunadan, Cupcake…

Wizened Old Man: Right, right. Enough already (sly grin)…Cupcake. (The entire Fellowship snickers if they weren't snickering already.) What is your quest? (Aragorn considers.)

Aragorn: Well, technically, I'm going to Gondor to help defend them against Mordor. But I'm also helping the halfling along on his quest.

Wizened Old Man: (cackles evily) And what, is your favourite color? (Dramatic music is heard.)

Aragorn: Periwinkle blue. (More snickering.)

Wizened Old Man: Right, bugger off. (Aragorn crosses the bridge. Pippin steps up, but only because Merry pushed him.)

What is your name?

Pippin: Pip – I mean Pere – arghhhhhhh!!!! (Pippin falls into the pit.)

Gandalf: Fool of a Took. (Boromir steps up.)

Wizened Old Man: What is your name?

Boromir: Boromir, son of Steward Denthor II

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Boromir: To bring Aragorn back to Gondor, and stare greedily at the ring occasionally.

Wizened Old Man: What are the Remmirath and where do they lie?

Boromir: I don't – arghhhhhhh!!!! (Boromir falls into the pit. Legolas is snickering.)

Sam: I bet you don't know either.

Legolas: Watch and see. (He steps up.)

Wizened Old Man: What is your name?

Legolas: Legolas Greenleaf, Son of Thranduil, Lord of the Elves of Mirkwood.

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Legolas: To shoot straight, to glare at Gimli and to wander around looking pretty for all the fans out there. (Smiles at the camera. *ahem*)

Wizened Old Man: (leering) What's your sign? (Legolas looks scared.)

Legolas: Capricorn.

Wizened Old Man: What's your phone number?

Legolas: That's four questions…(Old Man scowls at him.)

Wizened Old Man: Alright, pass already. (Frodo steps up.)

What is your name?

Frodo: Frodo Baggins.

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Frodo: To take the One Ring to Mount Doom and destroy it, while looking adorable along the way.

Wizened Old Man: Right. Pass then. (Frodo starts to cross.)

Merry: Hey, he didn't get three questions.

Wizened Old Man: He's the Ringbearer.

Merry: You still have to ask him the three questions.

Wizened Old Man: Fine. Hey Frodo! What type of people live in the Shire? (Frodo stares at him, wondering if it is a trick question.)

Frodo: Hobbits?

Wizened Old Man: Good luck on your quest. (Waves him off. Sam quietly runs after him. No one notices. Merry approaches.)

What is your name?

Merry: Meriadoc Brandybuck

Wizened Old Man: What is your favourite color?

Merry: (opens mouth to speak, then closes it and glares at the old man who shrugs.)

Wizened Old Man: Thought I could get you there.

Merry: Red.

Wizened Old Man: And what is your quest?

Merry: To provide comic relief along with Pippin. (He hurries across the bridge before the old man can speak. Only Gimli and Gandalf are left. They look at each other.)

Gimli: Arm wrestle you for it?

Gandalf: (evil smile) How about I just turn you into a newt and carry you in my pocket? (Gimli steps up)

Wizened Old Man: What is your name?

Gimli: Gimli, Son of Gloin.

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Gimli: To help Frodo and provide some comic relief when Pippin and Merry can't.

Wizened Old Man: Why are dwarf names so hard to pronounce?

Gimli: Well…(He leans in and whispers to the old man. The old man looks at him.)

Wizened Old Man: Really? (Gimli nods.) See you later then. (Gandalf steps up.)

What is your name?

Gandalf: Gandalf The Grey, Mithrandir, Olorin etcetera ad nauseum.

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Gandalf: To provide wise council on this quest, plus I can blow some mean smoke rings.

Wizened Old Man: (reading from a notecard) What is the velocity of a speeding Nazgul?

Gandalf: (puzzled) Winged or horsed?

Wizened Old Man: (flips over notecard) I don't know, the bloody card doesn't – arghhhhhh!!!!

Gandalf: Well, that's that. (Starts to walk across. A piece of cloth from the old man's cloak flys up and wraps around his leg, pulling him over.) Fly you fools! Oh, bugger…(The remainder of the Fellowship stares for a second, then shrug and walk away.)

* * *

A/N: For those of you who don't know (I didn't either until I looked it up in the Encyclopedia of Arda…) the Remmirath are a cluster of stars known to us as the Pleiades. The reason Legolas was snickering is because Remmirath is the Elvish name for them.


End file.
